I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
It's blow job season.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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