I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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