I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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