I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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