can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
