I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
