I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize