All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I think i peed on brittanys purse
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Randomize
