dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
