my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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