Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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