just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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