guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
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