Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
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