My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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