Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
