I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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