Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
