Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
