The maid of honor just puked.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
