i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Randomize
