I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize