just survived the first fart of the relationship.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
