apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
