so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
