i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
