the condom got lost in my hair
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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