listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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