Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
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