I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
