so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
