i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
