life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize