remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
