theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize