Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize