Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
