Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
