Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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