"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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