i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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