I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Randomize
