i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Randomize
