My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize