I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
