I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
