you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
