The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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