I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
He felt like a one man threesome
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Randomize
