Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
