Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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