yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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