Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
