Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
