jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
