Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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