Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
